GO HOME

August 14, 2004 3:30 PM

Sarah ate her own muffin... but not in a dirty way...

August 14, 2004 12:08 PM

A-V-P WAS GREAT!! It was by far the worst use of a franchise and yet the best comedy of the year. That's right FOLKS this was MUCH BETTER THAN VAN HELSING!! The best was the use of the Aztec/Egyptian/Cambodian pyramids?!? WTF WAS THAT ABOUT? Also when they said for the second time, "The enemy of my enemy, is my friend," well that was 2 times too many. HAHAHA BUT MAN WAS THAT MOVIE HILARIOUS! I've never seen an entire movie theatre full of people there to laugh at a non-comedy movie... Simply brilliant...

August 13, 2004 12:08 AM

So like I said earlier at the end of "TALES FROM THE BEND!" My 1985 Camry is dead. I'd like dedicate a moment of my time to write a eulogy for my car. But how do I write a Eulogy. According to About.com:

Writing a eulogy is a difficult task. It is hard to condense a lifetime of experiences into a short speech to be delivered at a memorial service. Eulogies don't have to be depressing and formal. A eulogy can include favorite poems, meaningful reminiscences, war stories, or even jokes. Here are some quick tips on how to put together a thoughtful eulogy...

NO FUCKING WAY?!?! REALLY?!?!? WOW I NEEDED TO SURF THE INTERNET FOR THAT GEM!?!?!

Eulogy for my 1985 Bronze Toyota Camry:

The dusty dash... the blood on my seat..
the broken plate lights and smell from our feet
If I had you back, swear on the bible for you
I'd treat you 100 times better, you know this is true

My car, my friend, you were a beautiful sight
you were always there with me through good.. and bad times...
from the best fucking day... to my worst fucking night
it seems like yesterday you were just in my life!

The curve of the wheel, and way that you move
the girls riding shotty make my rents dissaprove
Rolling down the window when I drove real fast
the smell from the side from the leaking gas

My car, my friend, you were a beautiful sight
you were always there with me through good.. and bad times...
from the best fucking day... to my worst fucking night
it seems like yesterday you were just in my life!

The fog on the windows on those cold winter nights
Speedometer didn't work, rearview cops lights
You were there... watch as I grew
car... I remember you...

 

 

And don't forget About.com's TIP #7: RELAX

DONT TELL ME TO RELAX, YOU FAT FUCKING CUNT!! YOU DIDN'T LOSE YOUR CAR TONIGHT!

August 12, 2004 11:03 PM

Howdy, this week's "TALES FROM THE BEND!" is about the time Jeff got punched in nose a bunch of times at the 7-11 on Division St. The title of this week's "TALES FROM THE BEND!" is "Jeff Robinson vs the FUCK HOLE PIECE OF SHIT CUNT ASS BITCH MOTHER FUCKING ASS FUCK PCP ADDICTS WHO CROWD A BITCH ASS PURPLE RAV 4..... CUNTS!"

So Me, Jeff, Mike Hornback and Eric... forgot his last name, were cruising around Bend like we usually do. Yes, you see there's not too much to do in Bend so maybe 97.8% of all of the stories about Bend start with, "So we were cruising around..." Anyway we were driving around minding our own business. We drove down to the Division 7-11 on the eastern side of town. Mostly because we needed to get caffeinated and it was right next to Jeff's place. When we got out of the car and were walking into the 7-11 we saw a purple Rav 4 drive down Division heading towards the downtown area. Some cracker fuck was maddogging us. But really who doesn't mad dog... it's Bend.

So we get our caffeine and candy at Sevvy and head back to my car. I start pulling out of the parking lot when the purple rav 4 comes out of nowhere straight at me. I throw the stick into reverse and back up just to avoid colliding with the fucks. Then 4 pretty big guys hop out of the car and start walking up to my car. We thought it was a huge joke and that these guys must be people we know. So Jeff rolled down the window and said, "Hey fella..s..." and just as he said that. This little short and stout fucker runs up and punches Jeff 4 or 5 times right in the nose. Now for those who don't know Jeff, he's already had his nose broken a number of times. So he's pretty touchy about his nose... this didn't help him too much.

I had NO CLUE what the hell was going on so I threw my '85 Camry into 1 first and flipped a U in the parking lot and by the time I was out of the lot I was going maybe 30-45 mph. I had so much adrenaline coursing through me that I couldn't keep the gas down because my leg was shaking so hard... I look over at Jeff and he's bleeding all over the front of his white t-shirt *Jeff's fashion style is one white t-shirt over another white t-shirt* and all the over my front passenger seat. He's shaking all over and screaming, "They FUCKING PUNCHED ME!!! THEY FUCKING PUNCHED ME?!?!? WHAT THE FUCK!!!!"

We were panicking. Jeff didn't want his parents to know... yea, I know we weren't thinking too clearly at the time. So Mike's mom was a nurse so we decided to drive FAR east of town.

On the way out to Mike's place we happened upon a police car parked on the side of road. So we got out to ask for help. The 2 Officers first blinded us with the spotlight and then saw Jeff bleeding the fuck-all over himself. And instead of helping they ask us what we did wrong. Fucking piece of shit cops. Anyway we told him what happened and they asked if we wanted to press charges. We said, "no" because once again we didn't want Jeff's parents to find out, and we weren't thinking too good. So the cops didn't help us at all fucking pieces of shit didn't even offer gauze from their first aid kit.

We then drove over to Mike's where his mom took care of Jeff and also called his parents. So either way we were fucked. But Jeff's parents didn't get angry at us at all. Instead the cops got in trouble for not helping us. Guess Jeff's parents know some higher ups in the department. Also LESSON LEARNT... always press charges! ALWAYS! Now I understand why the cops thought we did something wrong. If were innocent why wouldn't we press charges? Stupid kids we were.

Jeff and his parents ended up tracking down who owned that fucking stupid ass purple Rav 4. Apparently it was owned by some scary pcp fuck heads. Since there was no proof we couldn't end up doing anything legally.

I think Scoot did help ease Jeff's pain through the Christmas Speech Team gift exchange. He gave Jeff a big pair of novelty boxing gloves.... HAHA.. you know even today my poor '85 Camry still has Jeff's faded blood stains in the front passenger seat. I tried to get those things out with everything. Febreze, 409, Lysol, all that nonsense...

Anyways that wasn't a very funny story... I'm sorry... but not all of my stories from Bend are funny. But Jeff did get punched... that's funny.... right?? I mean Jeff is also the one who electrocuted himself on the Bend sign. HAHAHA... so it is funny! Stay tuned for next weeks "TALES FROM THE BEND!" entitled "Scott and Justin vs. Jungle Juice and the 6ft Bong."

*NOTE: I found out tonight that my dad wrecked my wonderful beautiful 1985 Bronze Toyota Camry. AHHHHHHH!!!!! And what's even worse is that my Mom's been hiding it from me for a month now because she knew I'd be sad about it. So many years of cruising in that car. When I left for Berkeley, my sister got in 3 wrecks in the car. One of the wrecks even left the other car totalled. All that was wrong with the Camry was the front left part of the hood was a little lifted up. oh man I miss my car.....

August 12, 2004 12:46 AM

Sarah's Conversation Of the Day:
Sarah: Hey you want my muffin?............ *long long pause*
Sarah: But.. but not like in a dirty way.... I actually have a muffin..... it's blueberry....
Me: *shakes my head*

So anyway tonight was Danny's Bday party, so I took a bunch of pictures of Danny and his wife Tina at "Drunk Danny's" request. I'll post them up later. But for anyone who hasn't seen Danny drunk.... it's fucking hilarious. Oh and congrats Richard... you big pimp you.... actually Cindy gets the thumbs up for that one! *Thumbs Up!*

August 10, 2004 10:01 PM

Ok I think it's time for a new MP3 of the week. Who here likes Sesame Street? *Jon raises his hand* Ok well this week's MP3 is for you kids out there. It's a song that sung by Ernie as he talks about how he doesn't want to live on the moon. It's title? "I Don't Want To Live on the Moon" as sung by Jim Henson... as Ernie. Oh yea Ernie and Bert are homos right?

Text Message of the Moment:
Andrew Zaiser: Hey dude. Car get stolen yet?
Ahhh I love living in the ghetto...

August 8, 2004 6:29 PM

Hmmm, 6:30, I think now is an ok time to start dreading the new work week. dread dread dread dread dread. Oh, ok so I think I'm a bad luck charm. No seriously, all the people around me just have terrible luck. Michelle, Eugene, both terribly terribly unlucky. I think I absorb the good luck from people and thus become more lucky at their expense. So all of you should just stay the fuck away from me and my unlucky, luck absorbing ass.

August 8, 2004 12:29 AM

Man the Stiff Little Fingers show was great! They're old, aging, but damn they can still rock something fierce. The band before them Throw Rag was pretty tight. They had an amplified washboard player, who also happened to be played by a fat, sweaty, tattooed, disgusting white man who had a penchant for taking off his wife-beater.

So every time I walk out of Slim's on 11th and Harrison, I'm covered in a pool of sweat from the pit. I'm disgusting... and a little bit disoriented. Usually I have a slight ringing in my ears as well. But I always end up stumbling past a few clubs while going back to car. And these yuppie fucks always look at me like I crawled out of a swamp. Which is slightly true. But just looking at them with they're fancy clothing, fancy conversation, I dunno what to say. I don't think I could ever do that. It always reminds me of a Pennywise song lyric. "Screw the perfect people! Fuck they all look the same!"