GO HOME

September 11, 2004 2:15 AM

Forgot to mention another sad fact. That was the season that September 11th cancelled Cal's first football game of the season to Rutgers. This contributed partly to the 1-10 season that year.... man I hate terrorists.... so much... so much... *Shudder* Luckily tomorrow Cal's playing New Mexico State. It's gonna be a blowout... a beautiful blowout... One and Ten? Never again... bitches.... Welcome to Hell!

September 11, 2004 2:04 AM

*Phone ringing* RING! RING! RING!      RING! RING! RING!
Groggy half asleep Jon, "Hello...." as I rolled over on my side at 2610 Benvenue blindly grasping for the phone. "Dude, turn on the tv!" it was Japandrew on the other line. I half mumbled, half yelled, looking over at my alarm clock, "Shit Andrew! It's 7AM in the morning!" Across the receiver, "Turn on the tv man..." Getting out of bed I rolled onto the floor making my way downstairs to the living room. "Andrew, all I gotta say is ... we better be going to war.. or something..." *Brief pause on the other end* "You're not far off...."

Anyone else remember how they first heard about September 11th?

It's weird that you remember certain things so well... yet I really can't remember what I had for lunch... oh yea left-over pasta... but what did I have the day before... left over pizza... ok but that's not my point. September 11th was overplayed, overused as an excuse to go to war, and overdramatized yet what happened ended the lives of thousands... and destroyed the lives of thousands more...

Dramatized to the point of cliche? Exploited to the point of corniness? yea probably.... but it's still so sad...

September 9, 2004 8:11 PM

Michelle got her wisdom teeth pulled today. So she was all drugged out and puffy cheaked... HAHAH it's pretty funny. When she tries to communicate with me.. I just laugh at her... I CAN'T HELP IT.... IT'S HILARIOUS! Oh man she's gonna kill me for this one.

So I haven't done a "TALES FROM THE BEND!" in a really long time. Not because I'm out of Oregonian adventures... far from it... I'm just really fucking tired all the time! So anyway, to preface this weeks, "TALES FROM THE BEND!" I need to make sure everyone knows what a police scanner is. Everyone savvy? What? No? Ok so a police scanner is, err was, one of Andrew's favorite hobby's until he decided to side with the pigs. But like he says, "If it's all gonna go 1984 up in here, I might as well be on the right side." Touche sir... Touche! Anyway a police scanner is a device that's used to listen in on police broadcast bands. This way you can listen to all radio traffic between police dispatch and police in the field. So this weeks "TALES FROM THE BEND!" is entitled "Us and the night we experienced Hill Billy Phonesex."

Police scanning was actually one of our favorite passtimes back in Bend, we'd hear about some crazy shit going down and we'd try to get there before the cops would so that we could see an arrest... or I dunno... cause mischief... who knows.. we're bored... and we're from Oregon.. stop judging me.

So with a police scanner you used to be able to listen to the old 900 Mhz cordless phones used by people back in the day. Now they're up to 2.4 GHZ or some shit like that, so you can't do it anymore. But anyway, when the police channels were boring we'd drive around town listening in on peoples conversations that they were having on their phones. We'd try and triangulate where they were calling from and try and pinpoint where they lived and other creepy shit like that.

One night we were heading out and Jeff's older sister Jenny was on Jeff's porch making a phone call on a cordless handset. So off course being the assholes that we were, we decided to try and listen in on Jenny's phone call. So it was me, Jeff, Andrew, Scott, and monica? or was it heather? I dunno I always get those two mixed up in my stories. But we start driving around the block listening to Jeff's sister's conversation.

BOY WAS IT FUCKING BORING! No offense to Jeff's sister... So we started circling around the neighborhood when we hear this conversation pop up on the scanner... A woman's voice crackles over the scanner, "Yea baby, what are you gonna do to me?" Then the question was answered in one of the thickest hill billy accents I've heard in a while, "I'm gonna push you up against the wall, and finger your arsehole!" OH SHIT! That's some hill billy loving if I've ever heard it! HAHA! I forgot most of the conversation now... but I remember the woman asking, "So what are you doing now?" and the hillbilly responding, "What do you think I'm doing?!?! STROKING MY COCK!" EWWWWW!!! EWWWWW!!!!!

The whole time we're driving around the block trying to figure out where the signal was coming from. We circled listening and giggling.. and yes we are bad people... but you knew that. The signal was strongest.. next door to Jeff's house. So the conversation continued with the hill billy, "So I'll come over right now." The woman then said, "You can't my daughter's asleep, and it's her birthday tomorrow."

"OH SHIT!" yelled Jeff, "A woman and her daughter just moved in next door to me like 2 weeks ago!" HAHAHA! So meanwhile the hill billy continued to try and seduce the woman... Who knew fingering a woman's arsehole ... or talking about fingering one's arsehole was such an aphrodisiac. Live and learn... live and learn....

So I'm a curious guy, and I had to know if it was indeed Jeff's next-door neighbor. So I told them to pull over. I was going to ring the doorbell and run away. If they heard a door bell on the police scanner then we had the right house. So I started walking up, and she had one of those Automatic-Motion sensitive lights that turned on as I almost reached the door.

The light turned on... I turned around and ran like a son of a bitch. I ran back to the car where everyone was laughing! Apparently while I was outside, the woman had said on the phone to the hillbilly that she thought someone was walking up to her door. So it was indeed Jeff's Neighbor who participated in Hill Billy Phonesex. Then a week later the Hill Billy moved in. In fact Jeff saw him a few times, the guy always had his truck parked out front.

So anyways... the moral of the story is that... hill billy's are funny.. and that the quickest way to a woman's heart... is through her arsehole.

September 8, 2004 11:09 PM

Ok remember how we always used to say Matt had scabies. Well mostly because that time Kerem came over to 2610 and saw the tshirt lying in a bowl full of pasta sauce. But remember how we all decided that Matt at that point became Scabies boy. Well Matt's in Nepal... and he actually got scabies. HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA Michelle says that really sad and that I shouldn't put this up... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.... ahh man that's a good squishee...

Oh yea I've identified Charver as English Hate Speech... here

September 7, 2004 10:08 PM

Ok I still don't know what the hell a Charver is. Anyone want to enlighten me? But Shyam found this

Seriously though... it's hate speech that me and the King of haters can't decipher...

September 6, 2004 3:58 AM

Hey do you guys ever google yourselves? I mean I'm sure you do. There's even an official term for it. But you ever google yourself and then read through all these hapless saps pages. I remember googling myself a few years ago and only turning up crap. Well looks like my name is finally catching on...

Top 5 Jonathan Tsang related websites on Google.com:

5) Artsy Douche Bag Jonathan Tsang: Well... his art sucks? But it's still nerdy and pretentious enough."where one would normally find required processor strength and minimum available memory, instead, one will find society’s current expectations of the prospective titles." OOOHHH LOOK AT ME I'M SO TORMENTED AND ANGSTY.... What a douche...
4) Jonathan Foolan Tsang: Cute little kid... not as cute looking as Jonathan Shih-Dah Tsang... but hell who is?.... HA!.
3) Guest Book Comment from a Jonathan Tsang: Ok I'm putting this cuz some guy named Jonathan Tsang wrote a comment about Charvers. So I was like WTF is a Charver, it sounds racist?? Googled it ... I think I've found a whole new level of hate speech... Apparently Charvers are "much worse that botflies." HOLY SHIT... WORSE THAN BOTFLIES.... SAY IT AIN'T SO....
2) Jonathan Tsang from BYU: HOLY SHIT!!! NOT ONLY IS HE A JONATHAN TSANG.... HE'S MORMON TOO.... HOW CREEPY IS THAT.... OH MAN..... THAT'S SOME CREEPY STUFF..... *SHUDDER*
1) Cell And Tissue Engineering: Hahaha this is the only one that actually is me.. I think Shyam updates this page... right Shyam??

September 5, 2004 11:51 PM

Five Years! Never thought I'd ever make it this far with anyone? Well I lost my car keys so I needed to postpone our real celebration. Instead we went to Cheesecake Factory over in SF after spending most of the day watching College Football and turning my apt. upside down looking for my keys.

September 5, 2004 1:51 AM

CAL 56 AIRFORCE 14!!!! Ohhhh looks like someone learned how to defend against the option. For those of us that remember the 1-10, 2001 season, no run away victory will ever be enough. It was funny because when we were on Kerem's balcony some morons set off fireworks in the football stadium parking lot. Then began to scream CAL 56 AIRFORCE 14!!!! The only thing is, the street was completely empty. So the only people who heard the whole thing were... well us up on Kerem's balcony.

Another beautiful Saturday night on Kerem's balcony. On the way home tonight they set up a sobriety check point. So Steve had had 2 beers the whole night over the course of maybe 4 hours. But when he was pulled over the cop asked him if he had been drinking... "Yea I had a couple..." so over pulled Steve. They made him walk a crack on the sidewalk, made him stand on one leg, then gave him a breathalyzer... the whole time us in the car waiting nervously. We were nervous because we see the car in front of Steve's get towed away as a group of people sat on the sidewalk waiting for a cab. So Steve did the sidewalk crack walk fine. Stood on foot ofr 30 seconds or so without a problem. Then when they brought out the breathalyzer I thought to myself, "Shit He's fucked." I had heard that breathalyzer tended to be ultra-sensitive. Anyway, he blew a .001. HAhaha the female cop later told him that if he hadn't said anything she wouldn't have made him pull over. Good ol' honest steve.

My Cousin got married earlier today. The wedding was at St. Mary's Cathedral over in SF. She married a Filipino guy so it was a catholic wedding with a few Filipino rituals added. It was nice and short, only about an hour. The reception afterwards was at this restaurant behind the Ferry Building. Such a beautiful view, I'll put up the pictures later. But I'm so happy for my Cousin Lana! But everytime there's one of these weddings, all of us cousins get the "Who's NEXT! When you getting married?! 5 years is a long time Jon! GET MARRIED!! WEEEEEE!!!" AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!